my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
