i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
