Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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