it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
