Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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