I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
