Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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