Jerry, you need to find god
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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