Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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