I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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