There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
