dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
