Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
