clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
