sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
