I need to stop coming to work sober
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
