How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
