how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
