My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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