Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
