just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
