btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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