Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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