Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
