apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
