So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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