I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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