Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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