I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
