I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize