I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
