god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
