What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
