Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
