Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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