The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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