If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
