I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize