life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
