Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
