Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
