I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
