I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
