He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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