Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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