Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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