I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
