True but thats because hes a fetus.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also, beer. Big fan.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
