I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
