she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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