In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
