she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
