Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize