OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
