some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
