I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
