I should be sponsored by Trojan
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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