I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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