I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize