my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
