Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize