Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
